Most all clinicians and researchers agree that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Kubler-Ross’ 5-stage grief model has helped some individuals make sense of their experience. But it and other stage theories have fallen out of favor among many clinicians and researchers.
Part of the controversy centers around stage models of grief setting too much of a “rule” around how people grieve. Some have argued that the stages should viewed be more fluidly, with the ability to easily jump in any direction from one stage to another. But wouldn’t that render them not stages at all? Either way, research in the past few decades have shown people do not appear to grieve in stages. Some scientists suggest that the popularity of this idea may be harmful to those grieving.
Some newer theories appear to favor more dynamic yet simplified explanations for the grief process. For example, Stroebe & Schut’s nonlinear Dual Process Model has found increasing favor among theorists. This theory proposes that individuals tend to vacillate between two types of coping following loss. These two types are loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping. Loss-oriented coping encompasses actions such as resting and recuperating from the loss. Restoration-oriented coping includes engaging in valued activities and life routines.
People who have easier reactions to grief tend to fluctuate between these two modes of coping in a healthy and undisrupted way. That fluctuation may also explain why individuals sometimes describe the grief experience as “coming in waves”.
This dual process is also consistent with newer theories describing the importance of identity in grief. Research has has shown that spending significant amount of time “processing” or purposefully sitting with the grief and trying to understand it can actually lead to more negative long term consequences.
Instead, adaptive adjustment to loss appears to involve the degree to which an individual engages in certain behaviors. Specifically, those that maintain contact with their sense of identity throughout the loss experience. Examples of such behaviors include work/vocational activities, valued hobbies/activities, and social connections (even if those feel strange for the person to stay engaged with).
Facilitation of behaviors associated with one’s identity has also been found to be a promising basis for treatment for prolonged grief. Therefore, it could be helpful not to push our clients to stay highly engaged with feelings of grief. Perhaps it is simply about helping them be easy on themselves for their experiences while supportively encouraging them to stay engaged with routines that support identity. Continued exciting research in this area will tell us more!
