All loss is difficult. And it can be particularly hard for those struggling with mental health difficulties. The mental health field long-assumed that non-death losses did not constitute the same emotional process as losing a loved one to death. So if that’s the case, how do therapists understand and help clients cope with losses like divorce or break-ups?
Modern grief researchers have addressed this question directly. Tony Papa and other researchers found that grief entails the same emotional process as divorce and job loss (if to varying degrees, in many cases). What do those losses all share? They all seem to affect our sense of self and identity.
This has big implications for how therapists help clients through different types of loss. Modern grief research finds that individuals do not grieve in stages. The grieving process appears much more fluid than that. Any experiences described in stages of grief can happen in any time and even all at once, and for any or no reason. Newer theories find that grief tends to come in waves more than in stages.
Modern grief research also finds there is no “correct” picture of grieving. In particular, it is crucial not to force clients sit and continue to “process” or talk through the loss. It is also not pathological for individuals’ behavior or emotions to appear like they’re not grieving.
Importantly, research actually finds that individuals who continuously appear to be grieving may have more difficulty over time. Those who tend to continue to purposefully talk through and really effortfully try to feel or understand their grief in order to “work through it” do not fare as well over time as those who make an effort to stay engaged what they value in their lives.
This brings us back to the idea of identity. Continuing to “process” the loss may keep individuals highly focused on the loss and the negative emotions they feel from it. On the other hand, staying engaged with activities, people, and hobbies one values (even if it feels weird to do so) brings people back to a sense of self.
This is likely because people 1) maintain contact with aspects of their identity they had before the loss, and 2) allow themselves to be open to experiences and activities that help rebuild their identity. Continuing to work in a job where one might find meaning. Staying engaged with friends and social support. Doing valued hobbies or activities. These are a few examples.
It doesn’t mean people have to jump right back into valued activities immediately. Sometimes people need a few days to a week or so to rest after a loss. It also doesn’t mean the person completely avoid how they feel. Understanding how one feels, allowing that to be okay, while staying engaged in one’s life seems to a healthy combination.
Research finds that approaches like complicated grief therapy (CGT) and behavioral activation are very helpful for grief or prolonged grief. These align with many of the modern evidence-based grief principles discussed here. There are also some good books on grief for both clinic and clients alike.
Loss is so difficult. Fortunately, modern evidence-based grief research gives therapists resources to effectively help clients dealing with things like divorce/breakups and other loss. That way clients find healthy ways to get back to rediscover themselves.
