Dating and finding love was never an easy thing. These days, it can be even harder and more discouraging for those with mental health challenges. So how do therapists help clients trying to find love?
Enter the predictable yet often-true answer in mental health: it depends. That is, it depends on what particular factors contribute to dating challenges or feeling trapped by loneliness. It is easy to for therapists to assume what gets in the way, but it’s not all just attachment or lack of confidence, for example.
There are many possible contributors. This means a good upfront assessment is needed to understand the exact contributing factors to inform what approach to take.
It might be efficient to start with understanding what a client’s expectations are for dating. Are those expectations realistic? Or might they be expecting something that does not align with how individuals typically get together or stay together?
We can all fall victim to expectations that mismatch with any aspects of life. But our current information climate makes this even harder. For example, online influencers now proliferate a variety of unrealistic expectations about relationships and partners. Messages pervade about how other partners are “supposed” to act or what on-paper qualities to look for even before meeting in person to learn whether the interaction is enjoyable.
CBT is a helpful approach for assessing one’s expectations and finding balanced perspectives. Helping clients see dating and potential partners more objectively should help develop more realistic expectations and increase effectiveness.
CBT is also very helpful for some of the psychological effects of dating. That is, negative beliefs (e.g., “I will never find someone” or “I am unlovable”) and negative emotions (e.g., frustration or anger). CBT or behavioral activation can also help with depression or loneliness resulting from unrealized efforts. Both these approaches target feeling discouraged or anhedonic “What’s the point of trying?” thoughts and behavior.
When social anxiety appears to be a major barrier, exposure and CBT or are both highly effective ways to help clients effectively approach others. Social skills training (SST) also helps when individuals find social skills difficult (and aren’t solely anxious about them) or just want a social effectiveness “boost”.
At other times attachment dynamics do impede meeting new people. Or they create challenges to developing and maintain relationships after they begin. Psychodynamic therapy and Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) often help for attachment challenges. There is also a great book for clients to understand attachment principles in dating.
Modern online dating itself may exacerbate attachment difficulties and is just challenging in a practical sense. There is an excellent book by a highly reputable dating expert and discusses this intersect and gives practical tips for both therapists and clients.
Dating and relationships can be some of the hardest experiences to develop and maintain. But who can blame anyone for wanting the upsides that come along with finding a partner. Fortunately, therapists are in a great position to help clients looking for love.
