Forgiveness has been around forever. Multiple religions promote forgiveness as a key action when the world gets difficult. And for good reason! Research consistently shows that the ability to forgive brings significant mental and physical health benefits. But client forgiveness for someone who hurt them is often easier said than done. So how can therapists help clients whose difficulties forgiving make them miserable?
Dr. Fred Luskin at the Stanford Forgiveness Project has developed practical, evidence-based strategies to make forgiveness more accessible. His core theory is that people sometimes form unrealistic expectations of others based on understandable desires. We want loving parents or loyal friends, but we cannot control others’ actions. When our legitimate desires turn into rigid, unenforceable rules (e.g., “My parent must be supportive”), we are more likely to take their failures personally and hold lasting grudges.
These grudges often lead to rumination, resentment, anger, and even depression. This all sound familiar? I’m sure we’ve all had clients who hold tightly to such grudges that it greatly exacerbates their already-difficult emotional experiences. Heck, family, friends, or ourselves may even experience this!
So what can an individual do to reach forgiveness? Luskin’s model helps break grudges by first helping individuals identify their unenforceable rules, recognize the ways they are taking things personally, and understand how this affects their current emotional state.
He incorporates mindfulness, breathing exercises, cognitive restructuring, and techniques for redirecting focus to more positive emotions. Clients also learn forgiveness does not require reconciliation, condoning the harm, or even directly addressing the offender. Instead, forgiveness becomes an internal process to address one’s own emotional pain.
Research finds Luskin’s methods are effective, even among individuals coping with extreme trauma and PTSD. Research also finds forgiveness benefits physical health, cognitive health and attention, immune functioning, overall well-being, and even increased longevity. Research also finds that forgiveness methods are effective for self-forgiveness.
Luskin provides many resources for clients, including a helpful book / audiobook that instructs individuals on his methods. He also published a workbook for forgiveness in substance recovery. These strategies are workable with well-established therapy models, including CBT, ACT, DBT, CPT, exposure therapies, and social skills training.
Holding grudges creates negative effects for mental health. And forgiveness is challenging, especially if someone does not see it as an option. Fortunately, great work has been done to help individuals notice their reactions, realize and challenge their beliefs, forgive, and reach some level of peace.
