Forgiveness and self-forgiveness happens in response to many types of adversity. Self-forgiveness is particularly difficult for many who experience increased grief during holiday and anniversary periods. How do therapists help clients with self-forgiveness difficulties in therapy?
Both hopes and challenges exist when it comes to self-forgiveness. Research finds that forgiveness trained forgiveness has great benefits for mental and physical health. Studies also find that many of these same principles also apply to forgiving oneself.
On the other hand, new research finds that self-forgiveness can be particularly difficult for some individuals to tackle. This research shows self-forgiveness is a very complex and dynamic process characterized by multiple experiences. In particular, it includes emotions like shame or guilt, along with fluctuation between self-blame and minimized responsibility. It also includes rumination and difficulty letting go or focusing on future goals.
The study also found individuals who found it difficult to forgive themselves were often those who believed they had failed someone they were meant to care for or were victims themselves. Those who found it difficult to forgive themselves tended ruminate extensively on the event and their role in it. At the same time, they would frequently attempt to distract themselves in various ways from actively and intentionally confronting the meaning of the event for themselves. This provided short-term relief, but missed opportunities for long-term relief.
On the other hand, those who were able to forgive themselves worked toward accepting their behavior and fallibility. They also had an increased focus on their future and on pursuing goals that were in line with their values. In particular, they were able to find a form of positive agency for future actions. “I can be someone who focuses on doing the right thing in future events.” They were no longer “owned” by the event or thoughts of it, even as they recalled it from time to time.
So how do therapists help clients find such relief? Since self-forgiveness is such a dynamic process, it usually helps to meet clients where they are at in their forgiveness process. It is not recommended nor effective to directly tell clients they are not at fault. Therapists can validate client experiences while exploring ways to view one’s role in events and what it means for them. They can then explore agency to act effectively in future events and engage in values-based life moving forward.
Fred Luskin’s famous forgiveness approach also applies to this self-forgiveness process. Luskin blends a mix of effective mindfulness, breathing exercises, cognitive reappraisal (for fault and related beliefs), and techniques for redirecting focus to more positive emotions. Neuroscience research uncovered how such strategies build emotion regulation skills and help redirect neural pathways to promote healing.
Luskin describes this approach in his book “Forgive For Good” and its helpful workbook. Luskin’s approach fits within established evidence-based therapy models, including CBT, ACT, DBT, CPT, exposure therapies, and social skills training. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley also compiled a good list of self-forgiveness strategies related to Luskin’s work.
Self-forgiveness is difficult for many individuals at any time. It can hit clients particularly hard during holidays and anniversaries. However, therapists have resources at their disposal to support clients in reaching forgiveness and working toward a life they want to care about.
