“I shouldn’t think so negatively all the time.” “I should have told her I loved her more.” “I should have done more this week.” “I shouldn’t be so worried when I talk to people.” We’ve all heard these self-critical thoughts before. Heck, many of us probably have them from time to time. Being critical of oneself is so easy to do, but it can make things so hard. How do therapists help those constantly “shoulding all over themselves”?
This expression is one of the more amusing things I heard in grad school. And it’s also a real difficulty for people. Constant “shoulding” typically contributes to depression, generalized anxiety, other forms of anxiety, perfectionism, and even pathological anger.
We all “should on ourselves” sometimes. But constantly doing so may arise out of some effort or perceived need to push ourselves to be effective. That is, we believe it makes us effective, ensures preparedness in the face of uncertainty, or staves off some catastrophe. Our tendency to say this is reinforced when it provides us comfort or a sense of effectiveness in aiding what we value (e.g., being a good student or effective parent). However, it of course has costs.
The downside of this tendency is often contributes to depression, anger, or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In the example of depression, a lot of “shoulding” sets expectations of ourselves unrealistically high. We then grow hard on ourselves when we do not meet those expectations, and then are at high risk for depression. Continuing to “should on ourselves” functions to give a sense that we are pushing ourselves, but just makes us feel worse.
For GAD, should thoughts may give us a sense that we are effective or prepared for the worst. Paradoxically, they actually contribute to GAD because they reinforce the experience of worry and behaviors that contribute to worry. Constant planning, adding extra tasks to to-do lists, and spending large amounts of time researching how to ensure things run smoothly.
So how do therapists help when individuals show high amounts of shooting thoughts and behaviors? “Shoulds” themselves are thoughts and beliefs that then contribute to related behaviors and difficult moods/emotions. So these difficulties are highly amenable to approaches that work with thoughts and beliefs.
CBT helps individuals notice when they are “shoulding” and understand how to respond to these thoughts differently. It also helps explore and challenge beliefs that constantly monitoring and pressuring oneself is actually helpful or effective. Behavioral experiments prove highly effective toward these goals.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can provide ways for clients to relate to their self-critical thoughts nonjudgmentally (e.g., via cognitive defusion). This helps them not buy into those thoughts as much and hence pressure themselves less.
There is a good continuing education course to boost therapist resources when this pattern contributes to perfectionism, in particular. The NICABM’s training provides methods for therapists to approach self-critical and perfectionistic thoughts differently. That way clients can break the cycle of being hard on themselves and “shoulding”.
“Shoulding all over yourself” often helps clients identify a key process that contributes to their difficulties. And they often find it amusing, so it may help as another retention strategy for things learned in therapy! Either way, there are helpful therapist resources to help clients stop shoulding everywhere.
