Now we’re not trying to burst anyone’s love bubble here. Especially not for something so nebulous and often “confusing AF” as relationships can be. Having a simple way to make sense of relationships and forming/maintaining close bonds with another individual is extremely appealing. However, relationship science has actually debunked the “5 love languages”.
Relationship scientists recently reviewed a history of scientific studies in this area of relationship development. First, they found that people do not identify with one (or even two) primary ways of expressing and experiencing love. They also found individuals endorsed valuing all love languages equally when not forced to choose one over others. (As an aside, the assessment used to evaluate one’s love languages shows issues from a test validity perspective.)
The researchers also found little evidence for the idea that there are 5 of these love languages as conceived in the popular theory. They also found that there was not need for individuals to “speak” each other’s love languages in order to find love or build relationship quality.
So why has the theory become so popular? There appears to be a lack of explanations put forth by relationship science itself (ahhh, so there’s a practice-research gap??). The review also proposes that the theory is popular because it sounds highly sensical. It provides straightforward ways to feel in line with a partner you care about. Heck… we all want that.
So why should we care? Why not just use a way clients feel helps them? The evidence shows relationship partners and ourselves have a full range of emotional needs. People run the risk of missing out on those needs when focusing mainly on their primary love language(s). They also may turn down potential new partners who could fit well for them, but who do not satisfy a “love language” label that is actually illusory.
Luckily, the evidence suggests another straightforward way to think about relationship health. Scientists suggest a simple metaphor of physical health and nutrition to describe finding healthy partners and building healthy relationships.
Just as the human body needs a certain balance of many different nutrients for physical health (these include protein, fiber, fats, sugars, carbohydrates, vitamins, etc), relationships also require a whole range of different expressions of love and partnership to be healthy. A balanced mix of servile actions, affirming statements, physical affection, support for another’s goals and values, and other expressions, help relationships to reach a healthy state.
The love languages provide a way to make sense of forming and maintaining close bonds with another individual. But their illusory nature can lead to errors and missed opportunities for clients who just want an appreciative and healthy relationship. Luckily, research provides a highly accurate and sensical new metaphor to help our clients!
